Let's Have A Baby!
by transemacabre
Summary: Russia and America are finally together, and Russia decides only one thing will make their lives complete: another baby. America is a little unsure of this. Humor.


America shuffled downstairs for breakfast, his hair sticking up every which way. He was pleasantly surprised to find Russia already up and cooking for their son, Alaska, and America's youngest daughter, Hawaii. He leaned against the kitchen doorway and smiled sleepily at Russia. "G'morning, Ivan."

Russia set two plates heaping with food in front of Alaska and Hawaii, who dug in greedily. "Alfred!" he said cheerily. "Sit! I will fix you a plate."

America yawned lazily and took a seat between Alaska and Hawaii. "S'good, huh?" he asked his son as he fondly ruffled Alaska's hair.

"Oh, yeah!" Alaska told him after politely swallowing his gigantic mouthful of food.

Hawaii stood up on her chair to kiss America on the cheek. "Good morning, daddy."

Russia flipped pancakes while watching America interact with his children. Alfred leaned forward, propping his elbow on the table, to listen intently as his son and daughter told him about their plans for the day. The children both wore brightly-patterned pajamas, their little feet dangling from their chairs. Hawaii couldn't quite cut through her sausage by herself, so Alfred cut it for her into bite-sized squares. To see this little domestic scene would've been - unthinkable, a few years ago. Russia reflected on this as he fixed plates for himself and America. They had come so far in so little time (who knew that they'd enjoy getting along with each other as much as they'd enjoyed fighting tooth and nail?) and yet every day Russia awoke wanting more.

Russia sat a plate in front of America, then took the chair opposite him. "This is awesome, Ivan," America told him, drizzling syrup all over his pancakes. "How do you get them so perfect every time-"

"Let's have a baby," Russia blurted out.

America froze, the syrup creating a miniature lake on his plate. "Whuh-what?"

"Yeah!" Alaska smiled brightly and bounced in his seat. "I want a baby brother!"

"Me, too!" chirped Hawaii.

"Hush!" America told them, trying to get his head together. Step One: put down the syrup bottle. "Ivan, we can't have a baby," he said, launching into Step Two: reason with Russia.

Russia's grin spread across his face into a toothy leer. "Oh, I am being sure we can."

"No! That's impossible!" said America. Alaska and Hawaii pouted at him. "I mean, I don't have anymore land for a state, and Manifest Destiny is sort of frowned upon these days, you know."

Russia pondered this for a moment. "No problem," he announced. "I will think of something."

America rubbed his sleepy eyes. "This is crazy," he mumbled. "_You're_ crazy."

Russia just smiled contentedly at him.

* * *

Russia was so excited about the prospects of impending fatherhood that as soon as he went to work he pushed aside all his important documents and began Googling the latest research on conception and baby supplies. Granted, Nations had rather different body structures than humans, but it seemed like a good place to start. He printed off several webpages of fertility advice and read over them. He almost choked when he saw that alcohol had a negative impact on sperm count, and resolved to cut back his vodka consumption at least until America was safely pregnant.

He lingered over the pictures of baby cribs and infant clothes. He had missed America's pregnancy with Alaska and Alaska's babyhood - it was the late 50s, and they'd _hated_ each other so much that there hadn't even been a question of whether Russia would even lay eyes on his son. By the time things had thawed out, Alaska had been a toddler, and Russia had been crushed to realize that he'd missed his first step, his first word, everything. He adored Alaska - one of his favorite things in the world was to creep into his room and watch him sleep, watch the steady rise and fall of his chest, examine his face and marvel in how Alaska had Alfred's hair and his nose, Alfred's chin and his ears. He'd never loved anyone as purely and selflessly as he loved Alaska. But nothing could ever give Russia back that brief period of having a baby and seeing it grow into a little person.

America was astoundingly fertile compared to most of their kind, and he'd had many pregnancies and babies over the centuries, so some of the magic had perhaps worn off for him. But Russia knew that he'd adore this new baby as soon as he found out he was having it - as soon as they conceived it. He hid his print-outs and called America.

"_Hey, what's up?_"

"Alfred, will you come to my office for a special meeting?" Russia asked, carefully clearing off his desk.

"_Uh, sure! I'll be right there._"

Russia ambushed him as soon as he walked through the door. "You-" America started to say, but Russia cut him off with a kiss, pushed the door closed with his foot, and carried America over to the desk. America wiggled a little in his arms, but did not protest as Russia laid him down and pulled his shirt off.

"Special meeting, huh," America laughed as Russia licked and nipped his way down his chest. "I should've guessed."

Russia planted one hand on either side of America's face and looked down at him, letting his eyes take in every feature, committing him to memory. America flushed a little under the intensity of that gaze.

His cell phone buzzed.

Russia kissed him, trying to distract America from the sound, but the nuisance kept buzzing. America began digging in his pocket for the cell phone. "It's England," he said in between kisses. "I should take this-"

Russia took the cell phone and tossed it out the window. It landed in the bushes, still buzzing.

"Hey, I need that!" America protested, but Russia slid a hand somewhere that made him forget the cell phone, England, and possibly his own name.

"I'll get you a new one," Russia promised him.

* * *

While it was too soon to be called a success, Russia felt his week-old plan was going wonderfully. He'd come up with sneaky ways of feeding America foods that were supposed to do wonders for fertility - easy enough to feed each other grapes and berries in bed, and America would lick off all the honey that Russia drizzled on himself. But America didn't take as eagerly to some of Russia's... other ideas.

"Ivan," said America, as Russia gently tapped a slice of whole-grain oat/rye/wheat bread against his mouth. "This bread is crunchy. Crunchy bread is not erotic."

Russia hushed him. "Is old Russian tradition," he assured America, taking a bite of the bread himself to induce America to try it. "Increases potency."

America took a small bite and chewed half-heartedly. "I love you, but your sex tricks get weirder and weirder every day."

That morning, after a particularly vigorous bout of sex, Russia slept in late and staggered downstairs to find America getting Russia and Hawaii dressed for school. The smell of bubbling coffee filled the house. Russia stretched and watched as America tried to find everyone matching shoes.

"What do you get when you freeze water?" he asked Alaska.

"Ice!" Alaska replied.

"Very good. And what do you get when you boil water?"

Alaska had to think this one over. "Coffee!"

Russia chuckled and said, "He's got you figured out, Alfred."

America glared at him over his shoulder, but his lips quirked a little and soon he was smiling again. Hawaii danced up to him, looking up at America with her large, dark, imploring eyes.

"Daddy, when are you gonna have a baby?"

America slapped his forehead. "Ah! I thought we talked about this a few days ago! I'm not having a baby, Hawaii."

"But I'll babysit!" his daughter told him, latching onto his leg. America shot Russia a look as though this were _his_ fault. Russia shrugged, the picture of innocence.

"Don't you want another baby, daddy?" Hawaii asked.

America sighed. "Of course - I mean, I love babies and I loved having all of you, but we just don't have any more room. I can't just-"

He was interrupted by urgent rapping on the door. America yanked the door open, and Canada practically fell into the house. "Alfred, I've been trying to call you for days," said his brother. "What's happened to your cell?"

America grimaced. "Let's not talk about it. What's going on?"

Canada looked anxiously from the children to Russia and then back to his twin. "Y-you know we're having a World Conference in a couple of months and there's something I need to tell you."

"Okay," said America, throwing an arm around his shoulder. "You know you can count on me any time! I'll always come to the rescue!"

"Uh, yeah." Canada squirmed. "Can we talk about this in private?"

"Sure." America looked to Russia. "Ivan, would you take the kids to the bus stop for me?"

"Of course," said Russia, pulling on his coat. He might've been suspicious of Canada's motives (brothers or not, they had several children together) but Canada looked too ill-at-ease to be up to anything.

America closed the door behind Russia and the kids and turned to face his brother. "So what's going on, Matty?" he asked, slinging an arm around Canada's neck. "What's on your mind?"

Canada swallowed hard. "It's just - oh, Russia's going to be _so angry_..."

"Russia?" America threw back his head laughing. "What are you talking about? He's never been in a better mood. Okay, so he's got this ridiculous idea that we should have another baby-"

Canada paled.

"-which we're not gonna do because it's _ridiculous_, but still, he's been great lately. Uh, for him. And anyway, why would he be angry at you?"

"I-I should leave," said Canada, looking around fearfully. "It's all going to come out at the World Conference anyway, nothing you or I or she can do about it, and then we'll all-"

The door swung open and Russia reappeared. Canada flinched away from him, backing into America, who clasped his arms around him protectively. Canada's odd behavior was beginning to worry America. His brother had always been shy, but never jumpy like this. And why wouldn't he just tell him what's wrong instead of rambling about things that didn't make any sense? A terrible suspicion dawned on America. "Matt," he said, turning Canada to face him, "are you _high_?"

Canada pushed him away, his face screwing up in irritation. "No! Uh! Never mind, just never mind." He made for the door. "I'll see you at the World Conference."

As the door swung shut, Russia turned wondering eyes to America. America shrugged. Sighing, Russia walked over to him and began to rub his shoulders. "So much tension is not good for you," Russia purred into his ear, his voice taking on a decidedly seductive quality. Almost despite himself, America leaned back into his touch. They were already late for work, what was another half hour?

* * *

That weekend Arizona and New Mexico, America's third and fourth-youngest children, respectively, came to visit. They were now old enough to live at their own houses during the week, but spent alternate weekends with their dad, America, and their mom, Mexico.

America decided their little family should attend a local high school football game, so Russia found himself sitting awkwardly in the stands, bundled in his coat and scarf. The four children jumped up and down cheering, while America would get so excited at a pretty pass that he'd flail around, scattering peanuts everywhere. At last, when Russia couldn't take it anymore, he gently prodded America and muttered, "I need to get some fresh air. Come with me."

Leaving the two younger kids in their big sisters' care, America followed Russia down under the bleachers, down into the shade and relative quiet. "Hey, Ivan," America said, sitting down cross-legged next to him. "Do you have any idea why Canada would think you'd be mad at him?"

Russia looked genuinely perplexed. "None. I do not know what troubles your brother."

"Me, either. It's not like him to act like this. Whatever, I guess it'll come out at the next World Conference." America leaned against Russia, resting his cheek on Russia's shoulder. "Sooooo... about this baby idea of yours."

Russia perked up right away, gently brushing his knuckle across America's cheek. "Our baby?"

"Not yet," America said, and tried not to feel bad at the way Russia's face fell. "But I've been thinking - I never really _tried_ to get pregnant with any of the others, but I never tried not to, either. And if it happens, it happens." He smiled his bright, movie star smile. "I know you'll be happy, and I'll be happy, too. But we still don't have a state for a new baby."

Russia kissed him to make him be quiet. "Leave that to me," he whispered between kisses, his hands traveling up to America's shoulders. After a moment, America pushed him away.

"I don't think so! No way are we gonna conceive our next child under some bleachers." Alaska had been conceived in a broom closet at the World Conference, which was ignoble enough, and _oh God_ America was never telling their son where he was conceived. He couldn't walk down that hall without blushing red to his ears as it was.

Russia settled for another kiss. "Later then, my love," he told America, but his words were drowned out by the cheering above their heads.

* * *

The next morning, Arizona and New Mexico got up early, tiptoeing through the hall so as not to disturb the peacefully sleeping America and Russia, and snuck into Hawaii and Alaska's rooms.

"Okay," said Arizona, as Hawaii yawned and Alaska rubbed the sleep from his eyes. "New Mexico and I thought that it would be super-sweet if Dad and Alaska's dad could wake up and find the house all cleaned and breakfast cooked."

New Mexico chimed in. "Since we're going home this afternoon, we need to do it this morning."

Hawaii raised her hand. "I wanna cook!" she said.

New Mexico took her by the hand, as Arizona and Alaska held hands. "Sounds great!"

Downstairs, Alaska and Hawaii climbed onto the counter and began to crack eggs into a large rubber bowl, while their older sisters tried to untangle the vacuum cord. Everything was going well until Alaska accidentally dropped half an eggshell into the bowl. "Oops," he said, peering into the bowl.

"Hang on!" Hawaii began fishing for it with a large wooden spoon.

The vacuum belched black smoke, and Arizona and New Mexico fled the living room, coughing. "Ugh, that thing is broken!" groaned Arizona. "What're we going to do?"

"Just open a window," New Mexico told her. "Once the living room airs out, Dad will never know we broke the vacuum."

Arizona eyed a hamper full of dirty laundry. "I'm going to put this in the washer in the meantime," she told New Mexico, pushing her glasses up her nose confidently. "We'll have all the laundry done by the time they wake up."

"Alaska," New Mexico called to her little brother, "since you're not doing anything right now, wash the dishes for me." She covered her nose with her sleeve and braved the living room once again to open the windows.

Obediently, Alaska hopped down from the counter where Hawaii was still trying, without much success, to fish out the little pieces of shell from the bowl of egg yolks. He stuck the stopper in the drain and turned on the hot water. Picking up the dish-washing liquid, he squirted some in, then decided that wasn't enough and added several more squirts.

Upstairs, America was still stirring, awakening to Russia planting soft sucking kisses on the back of his neck. "Mmmmm," he said, prying an eye open. "God Russia, I can barely walk as it is-"

BANG. BANG. BANG.

America sprang up like a frightened cat, instantly and horribly awakened by the horrible BANGing noise from downstairs. Russia roared in frustration and kicked the covers off. "What IS that?" America yelled, covering his ears. "The kids! Omigod!"

He tore downstairs onto to break into a coughing fit thanks to the smoke and smell of burning rubber coming from the vacuum. BANG. BANG. BANG. He ran into the kitchen, Russia hot on his heels, to find Alaska half-submerged in a cloud of foamy soap bubbles exploding from the sink. Hawaii was still on the counter, waving an egg-covered spoon.

BANG. BANG. BANG. The noise was coming from the laundry room. America yanked open the door to find Arizona and New Mexico on top of the wildly rocking washer, one trying to unplug it while the other frantically twisted its knobs, trying without success to turn it off.

"Surprise, Dad," Arizona said sheepishly as America gaped at them.

* * *

Only a few hours into the first day of the World Conference, and Prussia's awesome self was so _bored_ that if he rolled his eyes one more time, they would probably pop out. West followed Italy around like a lovesick idiot when he wasn't yammering on about something lame, Hungary waved her frying pan threateningly whenever Prussia tried to make eye contact, and Belgium complained about Gilbird's cheeping until her brothers, ah, convinced Prussia to leave the conference room. So he went into the bathroom to check his awesome self in the mirror, making sure his hair was just so and his smile smug as ever.

"We don't need those stuffy losers, do we Gilbird?" Prussia asked his chick's reflection in the mirror. Gilbird cocked his head to the side and peeped. "Nah, I didn't think so. Hey!"

Gilbird hopped off of Prussia's shoulder and fluttered to the floor, Prussia chasing him on hands and knees. "Gotcha!" Prussia cried triumphantly as he plucked Gilbird off the garbage can lid. He stuck Gilbird back on his head, and as he did so he happened to glance down. "What's this?" he pondered out long, snatching a small pink box out of the trash. It was decorated with teddy bears and balloons, and the logo proclaimed _Know for sure with TruPreg's fast, accurate results!_

Prussia burst out of the bathroom and accosted the first available Nation, which happened to be Spain. "Spain, old buddy, old pal," Prussia said, pulling Spain closer to him. "You won't believe what I found in the bathroom!" He waved the box in his face.

"A pregnancy test box?" Spain's brow furrowed. "Oh, Prussia! Congratulations! Babies are so cute." He clasped his hands together and grinned happily.

"No, no, no!" Prussia ranted. "I'm not pregnant! I found this in the trash. But you can't tell anyone," he told Spain very seriously.

"Oh, I won't," Spain assured him.

Within minutes, the conference room was all a-buzz with Prussia's mysterious discovery. "I bet it's Hungary," Belgium told her brothers. "She and Austria have been together for awhile now."

"But Prussia found it in the men's room," Holland pointed out.

"It was an empty box, anyway," said Luxembourg, crossing his arms. "We don't even know if it was positive or not."

"I bet it's France's," grumbled England on no evidence whatsoever. "Slut!" he yelled as France entered the room, looking a little confused at England's outburst.

Russia meanwhile, was sitting perfectly upright in his seat, a small smile frozen on his face, but inside he was dying with anticipation. America had left earlier to go pick up his brother Canada from the airport, and Russia felt sure he must've taken that test before leaving the conference. Russia was already picking out baby names (Vlad for a boy, Olga for a girl, and maybe Arkady and Anastasia for twins) when the door swung open and America strode in, beaming, tugging Canada behind him.

"Sorry we're late, everyone," America said. "Traffic was-"

"Okay, out with it!" yelled Hungary from across the room. "Are you having a baby, America?"

"Huh?"

"No, China is!" Korea groped at China, who was frantically trying to shove him away. "Korea invented pregnancy!"

"I am not pregnant, aru! Let go, aru!"

"It better not be my sister!" Switzerland said, cocking his gun. Liechtenstein blushed pink.

Sweden looked hopefully at Finland, who smiled but shook his head.

"It's FRANCE!" England jabbed a finger at France's chest. "We all know you're knocked up, frog! Out with it!"

Meanwhile, Denmark twisted in his seat to look anxiously at several Nations, but much to his relief Estonia, Taiwan, Greece, and Prussia all shook their heads. Seychelles shrugged her shoulders and gave him a 'who knows?' look, and Denmark went white as a sheet.

Russia stepped out of his seat and clasped America in his arms. "At last!" he said, kissing America's neck. The room exploded into shouts and gasps. "We're going to have-"

"-A lot of explaining to do," said America, pulling away. "I'm not having a baby, everybody!"

The room went silent, except for a soft coughing sound from Canada. "Er, I am. That is, we are," Canada murmured, locking eyes with Ukraine from across the room.

A hush fell across the room. Ukraine was practically vibrating out of her seat in excitement. Russia's face had turned dark and stormy. The only sound was the slow _scrape_ of Belarus sharpening one of her long, wicked knives.

Unsurprisingly, it was America who spoke first. "But how, Mattie?" he asked, grabbing his brother by the shoulders. "How did Ukraine get you pregnant?"

Canada sputtered and shoved his brother away. "Sh-she didn't! I did! I mean, I got _her_ pregnant! I mean-" he cut himself off at the dangerous look on Russia's face.

Ukraine bounded out of her seat and into Canada's arms. "Isn't it wonderful, Brother?" she asked Russia. "Canada asked me to marry him, and then we found out we're having a baby!"

"You-" Russia's smile showed a lot of teeth. "You asked my sister to marry you, da?"

Canada swallowed. "Yes. That's what I was trying to tell America a couple of months ago."

The aforesaid America had quickly switched gears from shock to excitement. "Oh, wow!" he said to Russia. "Now we're really going to be a family! My brother and your sister! It's awesome." He hugged Russia tightly to him.

"Da. Awesome," Russia said flatly.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Prussia cut in, not content to let the... new found in-laws revel at their new and complex familial connections. "If she's the one pregnant, then why did I find this in the men's room?" he asked Canada, waving the pink box in his face.

Canada and Ukraine both frowned. "That's not mine," Ukraine said, looking up at Canada.

"Then who's-" Prussia started to say, even as France plucked the box from his hand.

"So careless of me to forget this," France purred to his old friend. He looked seductively over his shoulder at England. "And it _is_ positive, _rosbif_."

The first thing England screamed was "I KNEW IT!" followed by "YOU GIT!" and then "I can't even be sure it's mine!"

"Once you see it's eyebrows, you will be," France told him sweetly.

Canada held Ukraine close and tried to ignore France and England's squabbling. Germany began to pound on a desk, demanding order. America leaned against Russia and let out a long sigh. "This is officially the weirdest day, ever," he said. "First there's all this craziness caused by a pregnancy test box. Then everyone's yelling that I'm pregnant. Then it turns out that your sister and my brother and our - parents, are having babies." He thought it over and nodded firmly. "Yep, weirdest day EVER."

Russia took advantage of the chaos and pulled America into the broom closet, shutting the door behind them. In the darkness, America couldn't see him but he felt sure he knew the look on Russia's face. "Remind you of old times?"

Russia pressed them together, nibbling at his ear. "It was being good luck for us last time, da?"


End file.
